Autopen Apocalypse: Trump Tries to Unsign Reality
by The Mayor of Funkytown
Autopen Apocalypse: Trump Tries to Unsign Reality
Funkytown Dispatch – March 17, 2025
Alright, Funkytown citizens, grab your platforms, adjust your afros, and brace yourselves—because DJ Gaslight Boogie is back on the mic, spinning another remix of "Alternate Reality Greatest Hits." This time, he’s raging about pardons, autopens, and his ongoing victim complex, all wrapped up in a social media post so unhinged it should come with a parental advisory sticker.
Now, let’s break down this latest verbal trainwreck from the Commander-in-Grievance. According to Trump, the pardons issued by “Sleepy” Joe Biden—we’re still doing playground insults in 2025, apparently—are VOID, VACANT, AND OF NO FURTHER FORCE OR EFFECT because they were signed with an autopen. You read that right. Trump seems to believe that a machine signing a document makes it illegal and that he, as the self-declared King of America, can simply un-pardon people by typing in all caps on his off-brand Twitter.
That’s like saying a direct deposit paycheck isn’t real money because your boss didn’t hand you the cash personally. It’s nonsense—but since when has reality ever been a barrier to a good Trump tantrum?
The Autopen Outrage: A Manufactured Crisis
Let’s talk about this autopen hysteria because it’s as ridiculous as it sounds. For those who don’t spend their time obsessing over White House stationery procedures, presidents have been using autopen signatures for decades. That’s not a conspiracy—it’s standard operating procedure.
Who else used autopen?
George W. Bush
Barack Obama
Donald J. Trump himself
That’s right, folks—Trump used the same technology he’s now calling illegal. He even had the audacity to sign laws and military authorizations with an autopen. But now that Biden did it? Suddenly, it’s a crime against humanity.
If we’re canceling every document signed by Autopen, someone better tell Trump’s tax attorneys to brace for impact, because I’m willing to bet more than a few of his legal filings have that robo-signature on them.
Rewriting the Rules of Reality (Again)
But let’s be clear: this isn’t about autopen signatures. It’s about Trump’s never-ending need to delegitimize anything that doesn't serve his interests. He tried it with mail-in ballots. He tried it with COVID-19 data. He tried it with election results. Now, he’s trying it with presidential pardons because he can’t handle the fact that people who went to prison for him got a get-out-of-jail-free card without his approval.
And in true Trump fashion, he’s not stopping at the Fake Autopen Scandal—he’s also dragging out his old greatest hits:
The January 6th Committee is now the “Unselect Committee,” because of course.
They supposedly “deleted ALL evidence.” (Fact check: They didn’t.)
And, naturally, Trump and his allies were the real victims all along.
It’s the same tired routine we’ve seen a hundred times before, just repackaged with a new excuse to scream into the void.
What’s the Endgame Here?
Let’s be real: this isn’t going anywhere. Trump doesn’t actually have the power to revoke pardons. The legal system doesn’t work like a reality show where he can fire people and declare their contracts null and void. But that’s never stopped him before.
The real goal here is keeping his base frothing at the mouth. If he can convince them that these pardons were fraudulent, then he can keep pushing the idea that everything Biden did was illegitimate—which, in turn, fuels his never-ending revenge tour.
This isn’t about laws. It’s not about justice. It’s about pure, uncut Trumpian grievance politics, served up hot and steaming like a platter of day-old McDonald’s fries.
Final Thoughts from Funkytown
At the end of the day, this is peak Trump bullshittery—a sweaty, desperate attempt to rewrite history while ignoring the fact that he’s knee-deep in his own legal quicksand. He can scream about autopens all he wants, but doesn’t change the facts:
The pardons are real.
His cultists got off the hook.
And no, you can’t un-sign reality just because you don’t like it.
But hey, why stop at autopens? Maybe next week, Trump will claim that Biden’s signatures were written in disappearing ink, or that Kamala Harris used a magic quill that voids all legislation when exposed to moonlight. At this rate, we might as well start calling the White House the Ministry of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Stay funky, stay skeptical, and remember: the beat goes on, even if Trump’s remix is getting old as hell.
- Mayor of Funkytown
Hashtags for the Groove:
#AutopenGate #DJGaslightBoogie #TrumpRemix #YouCantUnsignReality #CoupFiction #MarALagicalThinking #FunkyNotFascist #DiscoDisasterOfTheWeek #SomeoneCheckHisWiFi #MayorOfFunkytown