Axis of Ass-Kissin’: America’s Dirty Little Friendship Circle
By: The Mayor of Funkytown — Patron Saint of Raised Fists, Velvet Ropes, and Calling Bullshit When Bullshit Shows Up Wearing a Diaper
So, let’s see if I’ve got this right: We’re throwing birthday parties for autocrats, hosting bloodstained billionaires at banquets, and giving side-hugs to drug lords, despots, and apartheid architects—while the rest of us foot the moral bill.
Welcome to the new world order, baby. Brought to you by the same U.S. foreign policy geniuses who can’t tell the difference between “strategic ally” and “unrepentant war criminal.”
Today’s column kicks off a new series here in The Funkytown Dispatch called “Axis of Ass-Kissin’”—where every Friday, I shine a big, bright disco spotlight on one of the morally bankrupt regimes America’s been calling “friend.” And I promise you this: I’m not pulling any punches unless it’s to land a better one.
Because if our so-called values are only good for campaign speeches and museum plaques, then it’s time to throw some glitter on the hypocrisy and drag it onto the main stage.
Let’s take a look at who’s already on the guest list—and let’s rank these bastards.
The Velvet Rope of Villains: U.S. "Friends" Edition
1. El Salvador – The Bukele Bounce
Our buddy Nayib Bukele is running El Salvador like a startup from hell—mass arrests, indefinite detentions, censorship, and prisons that look like something out of a Bond villain’s wet dream. But hey, he’s tough on gangs, right? Never mind due process.
U.S. Response: Send more money and weapons.
Villain Scorecard:
Authoritarianism: 8/10
Human Rights Violations: 7/10
U.S. Hypocrisy Level: 9/10
PR Spin Mastery: 10/10
Overall Funk Level (in a bad way): 34/40
2. Russia – Our Frenemy with Benefits
We’ve got politicians who blush harder for Putin than they do for the Constitution. Crimea? Forgotten. Poisoned opposition leaders? Who? Election meddling? Just "strong leadership," according to the MAGA playbook.
Villain Scorecard:
Authoritarianism: 10/10
Human Rights Violations: 9/10
U.S. Hypocrisy Level: 10/10
PR Spin Mastery: 6/10 (only because Tucker tried)
Overall Funk Level: 35/40
3. North Korea – Kim Jong-Un and the Love Notes
Trump literally bragged about the “beautiful letters” Kim sent him. Meanwhile, North Koreans starve, get executed for watching foreign movies, and live under a regime that’s more cult than country.
Villain Scorecard:
Authoritarianism: 11/10
Human Rights Violations: 10/10
U.S. Hypocrisy Level: 8/10
PR Spin Mastery: 2/10 (but what a haircut)
Overall Funk Level: 31/40
4. Saudi Arabia – The Butchers of Khashoggi
They murdered and dismembered a journalist inside an embassy. The CIA knows it. The world knows it. And yet, arms deals roll on, oil keeps flowing, and Jared Kushner cashes his checks.
Villain Scorecard:
Authoritarianism: 10/10
Human Rights Violations: 10/10
U.S. Hypocrisy Level: 10/10
PR Spin Mastery: 9/10 (thanks to expensive lobbyists)
Overall Funk Level: 39/40
5. Qatar – Blood Money Behind the World Cup
Forced labor. Worker deaths. A kingdom that bankrolls Hamas while buying up U.S. real estate and politicians. But sure, let’s put the Pentagon’s regional headquarters there.
Villain Scorecard:
Authoritarianism: 7/10
Human Rights Violations: 8/10
U.S. Hypocrisy Level: 9/10
PR Spin Mastery: 10/10 (FIFA says thanks!)
Overall Funk Level: 34/40
6. Syria – Assad the Butcher
This guy gassed his own people, turned cities to rubble, and built torture prisons darker than the devil’s basement. Yet somehow, Washington still finds ways to talk about "regional stability" instead of justice.
Villain Scorecard:
Authoritarianism: 10/10
Human Rights Violations: 10/10
U.S. Hypocrisy Level: 8/10
PR Spin Mastery: 1/10 (no one’s buying it anymore)
Overall Funk Level: 29/40
7. Mexican Drug Lords – Business Partners in Blood
Decades of U.S. drug war failure have only made cartels stronger, richer, and more brazen. And still, Washington sends weapons south, money north, and pretends to be shocked when bodies pile up.
Villain Scorecard:
Authoritarianism: 4/10
Human Rights Violations: 10/10
U.S. Hypocrisy Level: 10/10
PR Spin Mastery: 6/10 (narco corridos and Netflix?)
Overall Funk Level: 30/40
8. White Afrikaners – Apartheid Nostalgia Rebranded
There’s a weird and dangerous love affair between white supremacists in America and the architects of apartheid. Think tanks. Facebook groups. Conspiracies. Tucker Carlson shout-outs. And suddenly, racist nostalgia gets packaged as “heritage.”
Villain Scorecard:
Authoritarianism: 6/10
Human Rights Violations: 9/10
U.S. Hypocrisy Level: 10/10
PR Spin Mastery: 7/10 (thanks to far-right media)
Overall Funk Level: 32/40
Coming Next Friday...
“Prison Industrial Complex, Inc.: How America Treats Its Own Like a Foreign Enemy”
Spoiler alert: You don’t need a passport to find human rights violations. Sometimes, all it takes is being Black, poor, or unlucky in court.
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