Dear Democrats: Here’s Your Damn To-Do List...A Velvet-Rope Manifesto for 2029 and Beyond
By: The Mayor of Funkytown — Patron Saint of Raised Fists, Velvet Ropes, and Calling Bullshit When Bullshit Shows Up Wearing a Diaper
Let’s get one thing straight: this ain’t a wish list. This is a goddamn to-do list.
It’s not “aspirational,” not “for future consideration,” and sure as hell not for quietly slipping into committee limbo while consultants run cost-benefit analyses on whether Gen Z will be too high to notice.
We notice.
And we’re done playing nice.
You want the people fired up for 2026? Want to win back the hearts, minds, and ballot boxes of a country teetering between progress and collapse? Want to prove you stand for something other than lukewarm resistance and brunchable civility?
Then act like it. Here's your homework. No excuses. No extensions.
1. Overturn Citizens United
We’re fifteen years into the billionaire class buying elections like it’s open season on democracy. This decision lit the match that turned our political system into an auction house. You want to reclaim the republic? Start by ripping this root out of the ground. Public financing. Transparent donations. End dark money. Period.
2. Double the Federal Minimum Wage
Fifteen bucks was the floor a decade ago, and you never even hit that. We need thirty just to survive in major cities. If corporate profits can soar to the moon, workers shouldn't be stuck scraping together rent with three jobs and a GoFundMe for insulin. Raise the floor. Let the people rise.
3. Remove Presidential Immunity
This isn’t ancient Rome. No office should come with a personal force field. If a president incites violence, abuses power, or wipes their ass with the Constitution, they should face the same legal consequences as the rest of us. No exceptions. No delays. No golden parachutes.
4. Break Up Corporate Behemoths
You want to restore competition? Break up Big Tech, Big Pharma, Big Ag, and every other Frankenstein monster hoarding data, raising prices, and gutting small businesses. Antitrust laws exist — time to dust them off and use them like the sword they were meant to be.
5. SCOTUS Term Limits Now
No one should get to shape a century of law because they won the sperm lottery and avoided gluten. Eighteen years. Staggered terms. Institutional memory without the rot. Let new generations have a say in the world they’re inheriting.
6. Expand the Supreme Court to Thirteen Justices
Nine justices worked when we had nine circuits. We have thirteen now. Expand the bench. Make it representative. And for the love of Thurgood Marshall, stop pretending that playing fair with cheaters gets us anything but more losses.
7. Tax the Churches That Play Politics
If you’re using the pulpit to push policies, fund campaigns, or demonize marginalized communities, then congratulations — you’re a political entity and should be taxed like one. Religion is not a tax shelter. The separation of church and state wasn’t a suggestion — it was a warning.
8. Protect Women’s Healthcare, Federally
Abortion bans are state-sanctioned cruelty. The answer isn’t to fund travel — it’s to make sure people never have to leave home in the first place. Codify Roe. Enshrine bodily autonomy. Reproductive justice is healthcare. And healthcare is a human right.
9. Ban Right-to-Work Laws
They’re not about rights — they’re about busting unions. These laws weaken collective bargaining, lower wages, and leave workers vulnerable. Repeal them. Stand with labor. You want a strong middle class? You need strong unions.
10. Amend the Constitution to Protect Marriage Equality
We shouldn’t be holding our breath every June to see if the Supreme Court decides to turn the clock back on love. Enshrine the right to marry — regardless of gender, race, or religion — into the Constitution. Lock it down. Make it unassailable.
11. Lead the Fight Against Climate Collapse
The planet’s not dying — it’s being murdered. And the killer’s still cashing checks. Invest in a full-scale Green New Deal. Phase out fossil fuels. Fund mass transit. Protect frontline communities. If you're not actively fighting climate change, you’re complicit in it.
12. Medicare for All
No more bureaucratic hellscapes. No more $1,400 ER bills for a sprained ankle. No more “networks” that don’t include your doctor. Every American deserves full, free, universal healthcare. If other countries can do it, so can we — we just need the will, not the lobbyist.
13. Ban Assault Weapons
AR-15s aren’t for home defense — they’re for body counts. The only thing they defend is the profit margins of gun manufacturers. If you can’t walk into a school, a grocery store, or a movie theater without looking for exits, we don’t have freedom — we have a hostage situation. Ban them.
Look, Democrats — the stakes aren’t abstract anymore. This is no longer about political points, midterm math, or whether Joe Manchin had a bad dream about solar panels.
This is about whether we want a country that works — or a country that worships wealth, white nationalism, and fascist cosplay while the rest of us drown in student debt, wildfire smoke, and medical bills.
You’re supposed to be the ones standing in the gap. So stand the hell up.
Start acting like the party that saved the country during the Great Depression, passed the Civil Rights Act, and told Nixon to kick rocks. Show us that the velvet rope isn’t just for Wall Street donors — it’s for justice, dignity, and the radical idea that democracy should serve the people who live in it.
Get bold. Get loud. Get moving.
Because we don’t have time for anything less.
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