DEAR DIARY: EVEN THE REPUBLICANS ARE AGAINST ME NOW
An entirely imaginary entry from Donald Trump’s private diary.
SATIRE — November 1, 2026
Dear Diary,
Very bad day. TERRIBLE day. Possibly the worst day anybody’s ever had. And I’ve had some very bad days, believe me. Nobody’s had more bad days than me. Some very important people have told me that. Big, strong men. Lawyers. They come up to me with tears in their eyes and say, “Sir, nobody has ever been treated as badly as you.” And I tell them, you’re right. You’re absolutely right.
Now ALASKA is against me. Can you believe it? ALASKA! A Republican state. I love Alaska. Tremendous state. Very cold. Beautiful ice. Some of the finest ice anywhere in the world. And the people love me there. They really do. I don’t know how many people actually live there, but every single one of them loves me. Except apparently their lawyers. Very nasty lawyers. Probably Democrats pretending to be Republicans. We should look into that.
Here’s what happened. There’s a Republican senator named Sullivan. Dan Sullivan. Good guy. Then another guy comes along, also named Sullivan. Daniel Sullivan. You see what they’re doing? Very sneaky. Very dishonest. They added three letters to his name, and suddenly he’s a different person. I’ve been saying for years we need stronger laws about names. You can’t just go around being named whatever you want. There should be one Sullivan per state. Maybe two if they’re related. But they have to get permission.
So my Justice Department goes to court to straighten things out, and what does Alaska do? They say our lawsuit has no merit. NO MERIT! I’ve got more merit than anybody. Tremendous merit. The best merit. If merit were a building, mine would be the tallest building in the world. Beautiful building. Gold elevators. Everybody would want to live there.
And now they’re telling me we can’t separate the ballots because voting is secret. Well, excuse me, but how are we supposed to know who people voted for if they won’t tell us? It’s ridiculous. Somebody should fix that. Maybe put little name tags on the ballots. Very simple solution. Nobody thinks of these things except me.
Then there’s the Wall Street Journal. Ten BILLION dollars I was suing them for. Ten billion! And some judge just throws the whole thing out. Says I didn’t prove something called actual malice. ACTUAL MALICE? Have you seen what they write about me? Very malicious. Extremely actual. You can’t get much more actual than that.
They say I can’t file it again. WITH PREJUDICE! What does that even mean? The judge is prejudiced? I KNEW IT! I’ve been saying that all along. Very unfair. Very prejudiced. So we’re appealing. And if we lose the appeal, we’ll appeal THAT appeal. We’ll keep appealing until we find somebody who understands ten billion dollars.
And then California. Don’t even get me started on California. They won’t let us separate certain ballots there either. Apparently judges think ballots should just be counted. What kind of legal system is that? We have all these judges, all these courthouses, all these very expensive robes, and nobody seems interested in helping me.
I asked somebody how many judges there are in America. Thousands, apparently. THOUSANDS! And I said, why? Why do we need so many? One good judge could handle everything. Maybe two, if the first one’s playing golf. I know some excellent judges. Very loyal people. Beautiful robes.
Anyway, the election is Tuesday, and everybody tells me we’re doing tremendously. The best anybody’s ever done. Republicans are going to win everywhere. Huge numbers. Numbers nobody’s ever seen before. That’s what they tell me.
Except Alaska. I’m still very upset about Alaska.
Maybe we should sell it back to Russia. Putin would probably give me a very good price. He likes me. Always has.
P.S. Tell McDonald’s to send more ketchup. Somebody used the last packet. Probably a judge.
YOUR TURN
If Donald Trump really kept a diary, what do you think he’d complain about first?
More independent writing and questionable behavior, courtesy of Off Script and Tom Hicks Media — The Complete Collection.