Putin’s Little Helpers: Trump, Vance, and the Surrender Caucus Sell Out Ukraine (and History)
By: The Mayor of Funkytown — Patron Saint of Raised Fists, Velvet Ropes, and Calling Bullshit When Bullshit Shows Up Wearing a Diaper
Let’s not sugarcoat it: what Donald Trump just posted is a national disgrace masquerading as foreign policy commentary. And J.D. Vance—the bootlicking baritone of the New Isolationists—amplified it without shame, because that’s what happens when spinelessness becomes a political virtue in the MAGAverse.
Trump’s latest brain-vomit, dressed up as a statement on Ukraine, wasn’t just dumb, dangerous, and riddled with lies—it was straight-up Kremlin karaoke. In it, the former president of the United States declared, with a full chest and zero shame, that Ukraine “lost” Crimea a long time ago, so get over it. Why? Because Barack Hussein Obama was president at the time. Yes, he actually used the full name with the kind of smug emphasis that says, “Hey, racists, this part’s for you.”
And J.D. Vance, fresh off another appearance on “Fox and Friends with Autocrats,” saw nothing wrong with it. No pushback, no correction, just retweet and ride. Because these clowns don’t just tolerate Russian aggression—they excuse it. They normalize it. They blame Ukraine for daring to exist in the path of Vladimir Putin’s imperial fever dream.
“Why didn’t they fight for it [Crimea] eleven years ago when it was handed over to Russia without a shot being fired?”
That's not a rhetorical question in Trump World—that’s a blame-the-victim rally cry. That’s the former leader of the free world essentially saying, “Hey, you didn’t resist hard enough when your land was stolen, so now it’s not yours anymore.”
Imagine telling a rape victim they should’ve screamed louder, so it doesn’t count. That’s the logic here. Crimea was invaded, occupied, and annexed in violation of international law—and the response from Trump and Vance is to shrug, scold Ukraine, and wag their fingers at Obama like the war criminal here is a guy who wore a tan suit.
Let’s be crystal fucking clear: Russia invaded Ukraine. Russia annexed Crimea. Russia launched a full-scale invasion in 2022. Ukraine didn’t start this war—they’ve been trying to survive it while begging the West to stop treating Eastern Europe like a Cold War-themed Monopoly board.
But Trump’s framing doesn’t leave room for that truth. Instead, he pushes a grotesque narrative where Ukraine’s desire to reclaim sovereign land is the real obstacle to peace. His words:
“He [Zelenskyy] can have Peace or, he can fight for another three years before losing the whole Country.”
That’s not foreign policy. That’s extortion. That’s mob boss logic. “Nice little country you got there—shame if you tried to defend it.”
And this whole farce comes topped with the condescending flourish of Trump calling Zelenskyy’s declaration “boasting.” Boasting? Saying your nation won’t recognize the illegal theft of its territory is boasting now?
Meanwhile, J.D. Vance stands behind him, nodding like a bobblehead who read one Tom Clancy novel and thinks he’s ready for the Joint Chiefs. Vance, who once postured as a “reasonable” conservative, is now just another MAGA mannequin parroting Putin-tinted talking points while pretending this is about putting America First.
But America doesn’t come first in this worldview—authoritarians do. Strongmen. Dictators. Thugs who kill journalists and bomb hospitals. Trump and Vance’s vision of “peace” is simple: whatever Putin wants, give it to him. Ukraine should surrender. The West should shut up. NATO should kneel. That’s the deal.
And they call that strength.
This isn’t just morally bankrupt—it’s historically illiterate. Let’s rewind: Crimea is Ukrainian territory, recognized by the international community since 1991. Russia invaded in 2014, lied about it, and then annexed it after a sham referendum held at gunpoint. That wasn’t Obama’s decision. That wasn’t a peaceful transition. That was theft. And for Trump to pin it on Obama like a schoolyard tattle-tale—complete with the Islamophobic dog whistle of “Barack Hussein Obama”—isn’t just racist, it’s cowardly.
Trump never takes responsibility for his own failures (and there are many), but he has infinite breath to blame black presidents, immigrants, women, and anyone who stands up to Vladimir Putin. He’s never met a dictator he didn’t want to emulate or a democracy he didn’t want to undermine.
“The man with 'no cards to play' should now, finally, GET IT DONE.”
Translation: Surrender. Give up your land. Bow to Moscow. End this war on Putin’s terms. That’s the Trump Doctrine—weakness dressed up as wisdom, submission sold as savvy.
And let’s talk about the grotesque math Trump throws in here:
“Five thousand Russian and Ukrainian soldiers a week, who are dying for no reason whatsoever.”
No reason whatsoever? Try defending your homeland. Try resisting genocide. Try saving your family from missile strikes that vaporize kindergartens and maternity wards. That’s the reason. And if Trump and Vance can’t grasp that, they have no business speaking about this war, let alone using it to score political points.
The truth is, Trump and Vance don’t want peace. They want credit. They want headlines. They want to walk into a room, declare the war over, hand Ukraine to Russia like it’s a party favor, and strut out claiming victory. But peace without justice is just surrender. And a peace brokered by two men who can’t say “Ukraine” without gagging on the taste of Russian rubles is no peace at all.
Ukraine isn’t perfect. But they’re standing on the front lines of a global fight against fascism. And they deserve better than being sold out by two American politicians who’d rather side with Putin than admit democracy’s messy, costly, and worth defending.
So let’s stop pretending Trump and Vance are misunderstood peacemakers. They’re not neutral. They’re not pragmatic. They’re not realists.
They’re enablers. They’re apologists. And if they had their way, Ukraine would be gone, Putin would be grinning, and history would remember America as the country that talked a big game about freedom—right up until it came with a cost.
Not in this town. Not on my watch.
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