Editorial Note
This is an opinion column built on sourced reporting. The executive order is real, the quotes are real, and Donald Trump really did sit in the Oval Office Thursday and sign an order directing the federal government to start calling Lake Ontario “Lake America.” I would love to tell you I made up the part where the order essentially argues that America gets dibs because we have the deep end. I did not.
There are days when satire requires work. Then there are days when the president of the United States holds up a map after officially renaming a Great Lake because he’s pissed at Canada, and the rest of us can knock off early.
Donald Trump signed Executive Order 14420 Thursday, directing the Interior Department and U.S. Board on Geographic Names to replace “Lake Ontario” with “Lake America” throughout federal maps, contracts, documents and communications. He declared the change effective immediately, although the order gives Interior 30 days to update the federal geographic database. Canada, inconveniently, remains a sovereign country and cannot be ordered by an American president to participate in his latest arts-and-crafts project.
And this is where the thing achieves almost operatic levels of stupid. Roughly 52 percent of Lake Ontario’s surface lies in Canada, so Trump’s executive order counters with an argument apparently developed by an eight-year-old fighting over the swimming pool: the deepest parts are on the American side; therefore the United States “claims most of the Lake’s volume.” We have apparently entered the age of volumetric nationalism. Canada may have more of the top, but goddammit, America has the deep end.
The EPA, perhaps unaware that hydrographic patriotism was about to become federal policy, describes Lake Ontario much more conventionally. It is a Great Lake that straddles the Canada-U.S. border, covers about 7,340 square miles and reaches a maximum depth of roughly 802 feet. None of those measurements appear to confer naming rights upon whichever country happens to own the water closest to the fish with the worst sunburn.
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Canada Has Declined to Play Along
Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney responded with roughly the amount of reverence the occasion deserved. He said Canadians would continue calling it Lake Ontario and pointed out that the name has been used for centuries, predating both Canadian Confederation and the American Declaration of Independence. The name itself has Indigenous roots, derived from a Huron/Wendat term commonly translated as “lake of shining waters.”
Trump, meanwhile, was asked what message the order was intended to send Canada. “No message,” he said. He then immediately started complaining about Canada, saying it had been ripping off the United States on trade and defense, which is a little like spray-painting SCREW YOU, DAVE across Dave’s garage and telling the cops there’s no particular message involved.
Then Trump began thinking bigger. “We have a Gulf, and we have a lake. Now, all we need is an ocean,” he said, suggesting that either the Atlantic or Pacific might be next in the presidential label maker. At this rate, Mount Everest should start retaining counsel.
The U.S. Board on Geographic Names can standardize what the federal government calls geographic features, so Trump can indeed force federal agencies to use his preferred terminology. He cannot make Canada, foreign governments, international organizations or private mapmakers follow him. The Board’s own ordinary guidance says name changes are generally discouraged unless there is a compelling reason and evidence of support, which seems quaint now that “the president is irritated with Ottawa” apparently qualifies as cartography.
This Would Be Funnier If It Were Only Stupid
The tempting response is to laugh at all of this, and believe me, I have no intention of resisting temptation completely. An 80-year-old president using an executive order to rename a lake while hinting that an ocean could be next deserves ridicule. Public officials who insist on behaving ridiculously should not receive the courtesy of having their ridiculous behavior translated into solemn Washington language.
But underneath the comedy is something considerably uglier.
This isn’t happening in a vacuum. The United States imposed new 50 percent tariffs on roughly $20 billion in Canadian goods after trade talks collapsed, and Canada responded with retaliatory tariffs covering approximately the same value of American imports. Additional U.S. tariffs on Canadian automobiles and parts are scheduled for January, turning a dispute between two deeply integrated economies into a widening economic fight.
Trump said Wednesday that America doesn’t really need anything Canada has. The actual economy apparently missed the memo. The two countries exchanged roughly $872 billion in goods and services last year; Canada sends about four million barrels of crude oil per day to the United States, and it is a major source of American aluminum, potash, auto parts and imported electricity.
This is what makes the lake stunt more than harmless presidential trolling. Trade disputes between nations can affect factories, farms, energy supplies, grocery bills, transportation networks and hundreds of thousands of jobs on both sides of the border. When you’re handling something that complicated, deliberately humiliating the other country may feel terrific for fifteen minutes and accomplish absolutely fuck-all at the negotiating table.
Meanwhile, American consumers aren’t exactly sitting around wondering when Washington will finally fix the Lake Ontario naming crisis. Consumer confidence fell in August to its lowest point in seven months, with Americans becoming more pessimistic about future business conditions and employment. Inflation expectations also rose, while the Federal Reserve’s preferred inflation measure remained well above its target in July.
Nobody standing in a grocery checkout line has ever looked at the total, sighed and said, “Jesus Christ, thank God somebody finally renamed that lake.”
THE RECORD
Lake Ontario has been Lake Ontario for centuries. Its name comes from Indigenous language, and the lake itself is physically shared by the United States and Canada. The Trump administration can change the terminology used by American federal agencies, but an executive order does not grant Washington ownership of Canadian water or give the president power to dictate what another country calls a shared geographic feature.
The renaming came during a rapidly worsening trade dispute with Canada, even though Trump said the order was sending Canada “no message.” He has also suggested renaming an ocean next, which makes it difficult to pretend this is some urgent act of geographic housekeeping. It is political theater carried out with the machinery of the federal government.
And that, more than “Lake America,” is the part worth remembering. Executive orders are supposed to direct the operation of the federal government. When presidential authority becomes another prop in somebody’s never-ending personal branding campaign, the joke stops being entirely funny.
FROM OFF SCRIPT: THE BULLSHIT DETECTOR
“MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” IN IRAN
BULLSHIT RULING: Mission apparently still in progress.
Trump revived one of the most cursed phrases in modern presidential history this week, declaring “Mission Accomplished” while the conflict with Iran continues and the United States is still dealing with its military and economic consequences. Current reporting says the war has contributed to serious pressure on U.S. missile inventories, including concerns about Patriot supplies available to European allies. Victory declarations work better when everybody has actually stopped fighting.
NOTHING POLITICAL ABOUT THE KID ROCK HELICOPTER MESS
BULLSHIT RULING: Somebody needs to explain one hell of a coincidence.
The Washington Post reports that shortly before Army Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George was fired, he was advised to halt an investigation into an unauthorized Apache helicopter flyby near Kid Rock’s Tennessee home. George reportedly wanted the normal review to continue; Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth later killed the investigation himself and announced, “No punishment. No investigation. Carry on, Patriots.” The reporting does not prove George was fired because of the dispute, but pretending the sequence raises no legitimate questions is bullshit.
DON JR.’S INVESTMENT FIRM IS JUST AN ORDINARY SUCCESS STORY
BULLSHIT RULING: “Nothing to see here” is not an acceptable answer.
House Judiciary Committee Democrats opened an investigation Thursday into 1789 Capital, the venture firm Donald Trump Jr. joined four days after the 2024 election. According to the committee, the firm grew from about $150 million under management before Trump Jr. joined to more than $3 billion, while companies in its portfolio later received significant federal contracts and funding. That does not prove corruption, and an investigation should not be confused with a conviction, but those numbers are plenty of reason to demand records instead of accepting a shrug.
PUTTING TRUMP’S NAME ON THE KENNEDY CENTER ISN’T REALLY RENAMING IT
BULLSHIT RULING: Washington has discovered the world’s longest footnote.
After a federal judge ruled that Congress controls the name of the Kennedy Center, the government is now defending proposed signage reading “The John F. Kennedy Memorial Center for the Performing Arts Renovated and Restored by President Donald J. Trump.” Justice Department lawyers argue that this technically isn’t renaming the building. Perhaps not, but when your workaround requires letters large enough to make the dead president share the marquee, the distinction is doing an awful lot of work.
The Bullshit Detector goes deeper into the tricks, distortions, and rhetorical garbage that make bad information sound convincing. It’s free to Off Script subscribers, or available separately for $4.95 through the Tom Hicks Media Store.
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One Question Before You Go
At what point does something like “Lake America” stop being harmless trolling and start looking like a president using the powers of his office to settle personal grudges?
I’m genuinely interested in where you draw that line.
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Because tomorrow there will be another story, and apparently, we should keep an eye on the Atlantic.
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Do Executive Orders hold real power? Just how do they supposedly work? Are they immediately a law of the land? TrumPUS surely loves them.